communism to solve desires?

things go great. at least for a while. one gets what they want, and they're ontop of the world. on the contrary, there's the one that struggles. fights for a sliver of joy. will they get it? reach the top of the of the mountain? conquer Sisyphus'seternal battle?

but the being who receives all that they want. every desire, wish, or request, be it materialistic or that of an idea, or it doesn't take up space. whatever it be, they get it. their wish is the worlds command. it's granted. no labour occurs. no toiling. absolutely no presence of a battle. 

who appreciates it more? honestly...? the spoiled, when they don't get what is thought to be wanted, it's a parallel, an event completely new to their habitual way of life. it's a curve in the straight path of a bullet.

or the devoted? the laborious, hardship filled being, who is used to not having whats required or what is wanted, but works and works for it's goal. when they don't get what's craved, does it not matter as much? does it phase them as ghastly as it does the pampered and spoiled.

" i feel like singing sad songs all night;"

Maybe, this is mostly my fault. Pushing away the one you love. I just wanted to scream for the past 3 weeks. Scream, and I mean, scream. Until my lungs and throat are harsh and raw with my un-satisfaction. That is, the one of not having you. Him. Boy. Shawn. Blergh.

"is this yelling what loves all about?"

today passed like a blur. wednesday gone and done. before i knew it the words fell from my mouth and she left, and you appeared around the bend. thank god for that. your arms barricaded my body. angel voice and eyes. great seeing you dear.

"if i'm the only girl you've ever had,

i can't be the best, i won't be the best"

like spring in full bloom. you hit me. in the front of my mind plays our tape. moments worth while. ones that are worth cherishing. even the fighting. when you made me mad, regardless of the tears and the anger, i still wanted you to comfort me and to hold me. ridiculous? i know.

"and i feel like falling asleep while you scream"

s d d m

Dear Shawn Manning.

sorry that everything is like this. i regret every word of anger 

i ever said to you. i regret ever leaving you back in September. i know you won't believe a word of this but i'm praying to God you do. i feel like i'm empty. and i feel alone. i felt very alone for the longest time. I met you, and i  fell in love, for the first and last time. you made me feel like i had a purpose. i felt pretty every moment you looked at me, or when i made you smile. you always had a way of making me laugh, or making me feel safe. i'd been used to feeling  sad, or alone or lost.

But i'm not used to the rest of this. where  i dont want to wakeup. or even sleep. all i see is your face behind my eyelids. you're in my dreams, making me smile. cuddling on the couch. watching the mummy, narnia. Teaching me to play those fighter, ninja games. my first boxing match. my first sleepover with a boyfriend.we watched stardust and small soldiers and we were up til  3 or 4am. and i love that night so much. i knew  i fell in love with you that one day we climbed the dirt hill, and you carried me because of my sore leg. and at the top of the hill, the sun was setting. it was already dark, and a streak or purple and orange lit up the skyline of the city before us.you held my hand and we kissed. i knew that very moment i loved you. Oh, and when we played basketball i could never win or the time i was in Coronach.

the whole car ride home, all i wanted was to see your eyes and smile. i knew you were waiting. 10 hours full of thinking of you. or when we were in that abandoned house, in the closet. i was so nervous it was hard to look at you. i wanted you to kiss me so bad i could have cried. but we just played 20 questions and truth or dare. you got soo close to my face with yours. and i  felt your slow breathing against my lips. that kiss is my world. and you are too. or when i steal in stores. you act angry but on the inside you were laughing. sometimes, i'd just act goofy or hyper to get you going and being goofy too. when you kiss me with that frenchy accent, i could have peed my pants. and you always tickled me gosh, that really was annoying. id bleed a river for that now. all of our wrestling, and i really am sorry i always got you books. a real girlfriend would have got you flowers, or jewlery or something nice. im sorry. i never did enough. not enough for you to still want me today.

the way i care for you shawn. is the most intense emotion to ever have left my being. my entity and soul is so lost without you. i believe every word you say and it hurts when you say certain things to me. but i dont care. call me all the words in the book to me, beat me , bruise me. ill suffer anything to be yours once again. i feel like you wish you never met me though. and that burns me on the inside. i never want you to feel pain. i thought that when i hurt you hurt. when i bleed you bleed. now i can hear your voice playing on repeat through my mind. over and over again. "i love you" . or when you sing. your laugh. its fucking haunting me. when you told me of our future. how you'd want a baby boy. and lots of dogs.  you tried to make me a grilled cheese and failed. but id eat your cooking because you tried. and you put love into it. you only ever tried in life with me . why is everything like this now? you may be putting yourself through serious grief, and doing idiotic things like drugs etc or dealing them. and dropping out of school, moving out. i know you. i know who you are. video game playing, fable loving, boxing-skilled, kissy, huggy, perfect boy. the one who holds me in his arms until we fall asleep. 

youre the boy who face i woke up to everyday. the one who loves me deep down more than the whole world. shawn , i wish  i had you back. the only, only person i trust with everything in my life. if i'm sick, you'd hold me tend to me and make sure i get better. i'm crying, youre wiping my tears & calm me down. you'd talk me through it. the boy i spent christmas with the one who sang happy birthday to me on my birthday on my doorstep. you gave me flowers.

the one and only person i ever counted  on for anything, and who could go to for all my needs, and especially for love and security. i could be myself. right now, it feels as if you left me like the rest of the world. friends, they come and go. theyre never permanent. my mother abandoned me. my brothers despise me. you are my sliver of joy. the one thing  ive relied on for happiness and my blanket of safety and joy and love. my support. you want me to vanish from your thoughts? ill vanish entirely. youll forget you ever heard my name. but please dont.

i am always here shawn. im begging and pleading for you to listen. ill still support you, ill still care & look out for you. ill still love you. i do still love you. always and forever and ever. bunches nad bunches and lots and lots.

please don't forget me shawn? 

xxxx